The Mysterious Pervert Monk
by Aprill May
Summary: [SM] Miroku can be many places at one time. Unfortunately, it's not always 'really' Miroku you're talking to, as Sango discovers. A birthday oneshot for Aamalie. Ep. 93 is a pre-requisite. Yes, I proudly admit that I suck at humor.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha_

* * *

- 

**The Mysterious Pervert Monk**

- 

- 

- 

**_Dedicated to Aamalie on her birthday. _**

- 

- 

- 

There comes a time when every band of travellers becomes tired, especially when a good number of them were humans. So, when a demon slayer within the group posed the question of what to do about this common problem, the resident miko replied "to rest," and then, an irritated hanyou said they were all useless. 

Alas, the miko said "osuwari" and now everyone had a chance to relax in the next village they came to. 

Kagome, the miko, decided to take the kitsune, Shippou with her to get some food. The hanyou, Inuyasha, decided on waiting impatiently on top of a fence, as did the neko-youkai, Kirara, whose mistress, the demon slayer, had muttered something about perverts and strutted off. 

And finally, the houshi, Miroku, otherwise known as the pervert in question, had "wandered" into a group of young girls. 

But elsewhere, another Miroku was coming out. 

No, not that way. 

He was coming out of the bushes, with a cheerful grin spread across his face, to the lovely sight of Sango glaring at him from her seated position beneath a tree. 

"It's a shame, Houshi-sama, when you hide in the bushes when I'm not even bathing," she said in a deadpan voice. "I'm not even going to ask you why." 

"On the contrary, Sango, I was simply looking for something I misplaced," he explained, scratching the back of his head. 

"I'm sure. Weren't you just in the village anyway?" 

If possible, his smile grew even wider. "Not watching close enough, are we, Sango? You see, I wouldn't have to hide in the bushes if you would just let me spend time with you." 

As expected, she started to blush. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean," he began, casually sidling closer. "You always think I'm going to do something questionable." 

"Your point?" 

"I am a monk!" he declared, placing a hand over his heart. 

"Again I ask, your point?" 

"Never mind that." He was smiling again, and he unceremoniously plopped down beside her. 

"What are you doing, Houshi-sama?" Sango asked tiredly. 

"After a long and strenuous time of musing, I've come to the conclusion that we should spend some time together," he said in a matter-of-fact voice. 

"Why?" 

"Why not? Do you dislike me that much, Sango?" 

"Ah, no that's not it," she muttered, bowing her head to hide her flushed face. 

"Then?" 

"We already spend time together!" she insisted. 

"Oh really?" Miroku leaned back into the tree, crossing his arms. "Give me an example." 

"I have plenty," Sango retorted, smacking a fisted hand into her open palm. "Like the time when..." 

He wiggled his eyebrows at her in expectation. 

"A few days ago we..." 

He feigned a yawn. 

"Just last evening you - " 

He sat up straight, suddenly very interested. 

"Oh? What did I do this past evening?" 

With a 'humph' she folded her own arms across her chest stubbornly. 

"Houshi-sama, we see one another for days and nights on end. I don't see why it's such a big thing to you." 

"Again with the nights, Sango. You see me at night? And what do we do during these nights?" 

She almost felt herself actually set on fire as she turned around to look at him. As she expected, he was grinning like a complete idiot. 

"Naughty, naughty, aren't we?" 

It had to just be her own warped perception here...but his expression seemed almost...violated. She confirmed that when his mouth opened and out came the words... 

"I feel positively violated! Naturally it's only fair that I - " 

She watched as his hand moved merrily towards her thigh, fingers wiggling in anticipation before her own hand intercepted and smacked it to the side. 

"Okay, that's it," Sango proclaimed, pulling the strap of Hiraikotsu towards her. "You. Leave. Now." 

He made an over dramatic sad face. "But, Sango, what about spending time together?" 

She pursed her lips and stared back at him determinedly. _'Don't let him win,'_ her mind cheered her on. 

"If you're willing to risk the hurt..." she warned, glowering at him. 

"Oh, I'm always willing!" 

That grin again. 

"Okay, okay, I'm going now Sango. But only for a minute," he sighed. "Just...I don't want you to pop a vein or something." 

"It's either mine or yours, Houshi-sama," she called to his retreating back. 

_'I wonder where he thinks he's going,' _she thought. _'With the direction he's heading in it looks like he's doing a lap around the perimeter.' _

Taking a deep breath, she hugged Hiraikotsu to her and polished it lovingly. 

_'Oh well.' _

"You'll never say stupid things to me, right?" she cooed, taking extra care to rub out a smudge. 

"Wait a minute...what's the point when you always get dirty anyway? Blood and demon guts...they're hard to get out." 

She stopped in her vigorous polishing, and dropped the rag as if it were rat poison. 

"What's wrong with me," she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm talking to a bone, which I spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning...maybe that's what annoys Kirara." 

- 

-- 

- 

He was coming again. But no, not in the direction he had left. He was coming from the village where everyone was _supposed_ to be. Kirara was with him. 

"Sango?" he asked tentatively. 

"Kirara!" she said happily, scooping up the cat-demon as it ran to her. "From now on I'll groom you more often okay?" she promised. 

"Hello to you too, Sango," Miroku said, arching an eyebrow. 

"What do you want?" she snapped. 

_'Whoa, did I do something?' _he wondered to himself. _'If I did...why wouldn't I remember?' _

"So did you have fun in the village? Asking girls your little question?" she asked sarcastically, tapping her fingers along her forearm. 

"Actually - " 

_Careful. It might be a trap. _

__

"Actually I was looking for you. I was thinking that we could spend a little time together." 

_'Congratulations Miroku, you are officially the man. Now, to put the icing on the cake. _' 

He flashed a smile that would have given a normal girl a heat stroke, inwardly preening at his own ingenious. 

His eyes travelled to where her hand was twitching in a fist, and he swallowed, beginning to feel uneasy. From where he stood, he could hear a low chuckling. 

"Sango...why are you laughing?" 

Kirara squirmed out of her grasp, in fear of being squeezed to death. In actuality, she was even more fearful of her mistress's sanity. 

"Remember what I said about popping a vein, Houshi-sama?" 

_'She's setting you up!'_

"Er...yes?" 

- 

-- 

- 

The bushes rustled eagerly and Sango eyed them in annoyance. 

_'How did he get there without me noticing?' _

She looked towards the village, where he was originally sent reeling after he'd gotten what was coming to him, but she couldn't see anyone who resembled him in her line of sight. Instead, a rift parted the bushes and his stupid grinning face appeared. 

"Why are you back here again?" she said, exasperated. "Don't you ever learn?" 

She stood abruptly, displaying a ready fist as he emerged from the shrubbery, and a low growl sounded from Kirara. "Or do I have to teach you again?" 

"Sango, don't - listen, I've thought about what you said," Miroku pleaded, holding his hands out in front of him as a shield. 

"Oh you did, did you?" 

"Yes, I seriously have. I sat down and really thought about it." 

She leaned against the tree, and thought out loud. "Do I really want to hear this?" 

"I'm really, very sorry, Sango. I never meant to make you mad, I never do, and I'm serious when I say that I just want to spend time with you, because time with you is really important to me." 

Her hand grew slack from where it had been raising Hiraikotsu and she dropped the large boomerang to the ground. 

"Do you really mean that, Houshi-sama?" she asked, trying to hide the hopefulness in her voice. 

_'He sounds sincere enough.' _

"Really, I do," he insisted, nodding profusely. "I'm sorry, you just looked sad and I wanted to - " 

"It's okay," she interrupted. "I'm sorry too." 

She looked away again, with a small smile gracing her lips. Strangely, Kirara was still hissing. 

"You can sit down if you like." 

- 

-- 

- 

"What did you do now, idiot?" Inuyasha asked as Miroku sat down next to him, touching his head gingerly. 

"You mean these?" Miroku pointed to the bumps on top of his head. "Sango was really upset with me, but I don't know why. I don't remember doing or saying anything in particular." 

"Are you sure? Are you so stupid that now you even forget when you grope _Sango_?" 

"But I really don't know what I did!" Miroku insisted. "Unless...there's some trickery going on here..." 

"Trickery?" Inuyasha scoffed. "But who would go through the trouble of masquerading as you just to - " 

"Inuyasha," Miroku cut in. "Do you smell a tanuki around here?" 

- 

-- 

- 

_'You know, this is quite nice,_' Miroku thought as he sat next to Sango, who was polishing her Hiraikotsu. She didn't say much, and she seemed awfully shy. But this was nice. 

_'Master Miroku never did follow my advice. The one who doesn't covet wins. And this is winning for sure.' _

"Say, why do you polish that anyways? It's just going to get - " 

"I like to keep it clean okay?" Sango answered shortly. 

_'Well it was nice while it lasted._' 

He turned his attention to other things and eyed Kirara warily, who was circling him with narrowed eyes. 

_'But the neko...she can smell me.' _

"I wonder what's wrong with her," Sango pondered as she scooped up the neko-youkai. "She usually likes you." 

He attempted to smile at the cat-demon, but Kirara still looked at him suspiciously. 

_'Crap...Master Miroku...he's coming. He'll be really upset with me if he sees me with this woman. The neko notices too.' _

"Maybe she's upset that I'm here," Miroku suggested, suddenly flustered. "I should get going then." 

He stood, brushing himself off, and to his horror, for a split second his body reverted to its original fat state. 

"What the - Houshi-sama, did you just gain weight for a second there?" Sango asked, confused. 

"Talk to you some other time!" he called back to her as he ran off over a fence and into the village. 

- 

-- 

- 

"What's going on with you Houshi-sama?" Sango demanded as he walked towards her, a little more urgency in his step. 

She intercepted him and grabbed the front of his robes. 

"Sango, was I with you just now?" he asked, looking nonplussed. 

Her brows knit in confusion. 

"Yes, and you ran off all of a sudden - just when things were - " she stopped herself. 

"When things were?" 

"Never mind." 

She let go of him and raised a finger to her chin in thought. 

"Something funny happened to you though. You got...chubby for a second. I almost didn't see it." 

Miroku sighed in annoyance, before straightening and shouting into the trees. 

"Hachiemon, get out here _now_!" 

When nothing happened, he turned to Sango again. 

"Where did he go?" 

"Hmm...he ran off towards the village...but every time I saw him he came out from the bushes." 

Irritated, Miroku stalked towards said bushes, studied them for a moment, and the reached in and pulled out the pudgy racoon dog. 

"Why, fancy meeting you here!" Miroku greeted, with a deviant smile. 

The tanuki bowed in front of him, not daring to look up. 

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry," he apologized over and over. 

"You cause me a lot of grief Hachi." He paused to hit the tanuki square on the head with his staff. A large welt rose from the spot and the racoon dog wailed. 

"Oh that bump is nothing compared to the ones I got because of you," Miroku said, hovering the staff over his friend's head. 

"Master Miroku, I'm very very sorry!" he protested. "That hurt." 

"Anyway," Miroku continued, ignoring him. "You promised that you wouldn't do anything like this again," he said, gesturing to Sango, currently turned away in embarrassment. 

"But I -" he didn't finish his sentence as Miroku's staff loomed before his head. "I didn't do anything that you wouldn't do!" 

"Actually," Sango spoke up, sighing herself. "He didn't." 

Hachi started to amble away and shield himself with a tree. "She's right you know!" 

"That doesn't matter!" Miroku exclaimed, chasing him. "What did you do, huh? Did you grope her? Kiss her? Ask her to bear your child? You better not have -" 

Sango squeezed her temples in exasperation as she watched a full grown man and a tanuki run around a tree shouting various things to each other. 

"It's about not coveting, Master!" 

"What do you mean the one who doesn't covet? That was a fine example of coveting right there!" 

"How?" Hachi shot back. 

"Because - well, because - " 

Sango was taken aback for a second. Miroku? Sputtering? 

She had an evil spur of the moment thought. 

"Hachiemon," she called, and both looked up from their activity. 

"Yes?" he answered, hesitantly. 

"Come here for a minute," she said sweetly. He still looked as though he didn't buy it. 

"Really, if you come over here for a moment I'll protect you from Houshi-sama." 

She didn't need to tell him twice. In a flash, the tanuki was behind her, hanging on to the bottom of her green apron. 

"Sango," Miroku whined. "He pretended to be me! I got hit!" 

"Ah, but he was just acting the way you would, Houshi-sama. And for a little bit, he was doing better than you were, which is what concerns me. Then again, he was always better with the women than you were." 

Sango turned around to whisper in Hachiemon's ear while Miroku stood there with his jaw hanging slack. 

"What are you whispering about?" he asked, recovering. The uneasy feeling returned. 

"Oh nothing," Sango assured him, standing up. She smiled brightly at him. Too brightly, in fact. 

There was a puff of smoke, and before him stood two alike specimens of Sango. 

"No...Sango," Miroku groaned as the two Sango's circled around each other quickly to confuse him. 

"Come on Houshi-sama, do you really want to risk groping your tanuki friend?" one of them laughed, slinging an arm around his shoulder. 

The other one giggled, stringing her arm around his free one. 

He shook his head. "No, I really don't." 

Even if they both looked as beautiful as Sango did, he wouldn't be able to shake the weird feelings he'd have if he accidentally - on - purpose groped a pudgy tanuki. 

But they were laughing, and if both of them were, it meant that the real Sango was laughing too. 

And so he was happy anyway. 

- 

-- 

- 

"You wanted to talk to me, Sango?" 

"Yeah," she said quietly, turning around. "Before we left this village." 

He raised an eyebrow skeptically. "You are the real Sango right?" 

She laughed again. He loved the sound. 

"Yes, it's me, Houshi-sama." 

"That's good," Miroku said, relieved. "As much as I would like two of you, when one of you might be Hachi I'm not so sure." 

She smiled, and then looked down, blushing. 

"Houshi-sama...I'm sorry for hitting you. You didn't deserve it. That time at least, " she said. 

"Oh that's alright," he waved it off. "I don't mind." 

"I still wonder though," she said thoughtfully. "Why did Hachiemon come after me?" 

"Well, better you than a ton of other village girls, right Sango?" he said with a grin. As casually as he could, he draped his arms around her. 

"I think that even he sees...that you mean more to me than the others," he said quietly. "Plus, maybe he just wanted to get me really mad," he added in a louder tone. 

"He did say that he saw I was sad..." Sango remembered, the corners of her mouth slightly curving upwards. 

"You were feeling sad? That explains it then," he decided, moving closer. 

"What?" she asked, her voice a tiny bit breathless. Just a tiny bit. 

"That some would go to great lengths...just to see you smile." 

- 

- 

- 

- 

* * *

_The Mysterious Pervert Monk - August 5th, 2004_

**A/N: **This oneshot was also christened the "Eye Gouger." Everyone who still has their eyes, please feel free to gouge them out, or maybe laugh at me. 

To avoid confusion, episode 93 is a pre-requisite. Well, that won't help you avoid confusion entirely... 

Finally, who this is really for: 

_Happy Birthday Margo-chan! _

I tried my best, but I'll never compare to you. 

Thank you for being an absolutely cool person in general, and I hope you had an excellent birthday. You deserve it.


End file.
